Crazy How It Feels Tonight

Thirty Percent

2006-07-06T22:05:00.000-07:00

Each day I'm becoming more and more convinced that come September I will find myself among Oregon's thirty percent of unsuccessful bar applicants. (In other words, I'm going to fail.) I just took an entire insane week off from studying due to wedding craziness- and had SO MUCH FUN doing it! But now I can't get back to the grind. Eighteen days...

To make matters worse, I have also failed my friend of the same name in her mission created for me. I was to play the field and keep everything casual and date at least two guys at once. I found that I suck at that. I wish I could be more like RC. But I can't get this new, amazing, entertaining, fun, sweet guy out of my head. (In other words, I don't want to.) I also love his dog. There is frightening potential here.

What am I going to do?! Eighteen days to change my life.

Concussion

2006-06-21T22:41:00.000-07:00

I can now say with authority that its possible to suffer a mild concussion by running into a wall. It happened the other night- I got the black-out and now I'm still dealing with dizzy spells and exhaustion. But what better excuse for my lack of concentration though, really? At least, in my mental fog, I don't have to feel guilty this week!

In other news, the Status-changer was true to his word. He actually appears to be a good guy. I'm seeing him again. Just for fun, I looked at what the stars had to say about our chances.

It started out like this: "You're not a particularly 'deep' person, Gemini, and your Scorpio lover has an unmatched depth of passion." Ouch. :) Well, at least it eventually ended on a semi-positive note: "This may not be a relationship that will last forever, but while it lasts, it will definitely be an exciting and passionate love affair."

Its fun to believe, isn't it?

Not Mr. Right, just Mr. Normal?

2006-06-17T18:14:00.000-07:00

Here comes a big Saturday night in- studying. Well, if I could stop my internet distractions that is. Life is not so exciting at the moment.

I'm also hiding out from Mr. Nice Guy. He's in town this weekend and I don't have the time or desire to see him. But he just doesn't take a hint! Seriously, I don't know what to do. Why can't I ever get involved with a NORMAL, socially adept man?! (Maybe stop expecting greatness from random messages.) But then again, normal is boring.

So I told him to leave me alone. He then emails me and says I'm right and he's sorry and that he'll stop by on Sunday. Ugh. I certainly didn't try to get up on that pedestal of his, but apparently I'm still cemented up there. I am not a bitch. Why must he make me act like one?!

And then there's the status changer- he IS involved, I was right. However he said its not what I think and proceeded to swear that he's not "that guy." He wants to explain when ("when," not "if") his status changes again. Even worse, I want to hear it. And I CAN'T explain that.

Fleet Week

2006-06-12T20:55:00.000-07:00

Random question: Why the hell does everyone get so excited for "fleet week?" Its gross. I mean, the Rose Festival is one thing, but the sailors?! I don't see flirting with them as a treat. Maybe men in uniform just don't do it for me. But I think its more than that.

RC asked me "Did you go down to the river this weekend?" And I said "Damn, I forgot- oh how I love those 19-year-olds!" RC said "You missed out on some good STDs."

Status Change

2006-06-10T01:50:00.000-07:00

I understand that the older we get the more complicated our pasts become. I know that, inevitably, guys will be hung up on ex-girlfriends. But is it really too much to ask to have guys who show interest in me actually be single themselves?! I didn't used to think so... but my experiences have proven otherwise.

I'm going to meet up with a new guy next week- nothing serious or awkward, just a beer or two (or four) in person. The curious thing, though, is that he has just suddenly and unexpectedly changed his "status" to "in a relationship." What?!

Maybe I had the wrong impression. Maybe our scheduled beer drinking is merely meant to be a friendly chat and networking opportunity. Maybe the status change was his way of making that abundantly clear. Really, that would be fine with me. I've got another on my mind anyway... But damn, it was still frustrating...bad memories and past complications. We've all got 'em. And we just keep getting older.

Nice Guys

2006-05-22T20:43:00.000-07:00

Ugh. It might be true- what they say about nice guys. There is this amazing guy out there who treats me so well. He is caring, trustworthy, thoughtful and attentive... plus he's totally hot and drives a truck! I would give anything to feel about him the way he feels about me.

But I know its not right to settle. He would never cheat and he would be there for me forever, but I'm not ready yet to give up on my chance for true passion. I'm talking about knockin' me off my feet, head-over-heels passion. I still want to believe its possible.

My friend's wedding invitation has this quote on it: "To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides." I think that's beautiful; just perfect.

Summer?

2006-05-22T20:18:00.000-07:00

Nothing like bar review class to smash all my hopes of an enjoyable summer.

Holy shit. Today I found out that not only will I not have Saturdays or Sundays off, but there is also no way I can continue to volunteer where I worked this past year. I have to give it up- and in so doing, I am almost certainly kicking myself in the ass as far as getting that job is concerned. But its not like they'd hire me anyway if I spent too much time being a rockstar volunteer and not enough time intensely studying. If I fail I'm no good to anyone.

So I guess I'll say goodbye to late-night bar-hopping; Sunday afternoon wakeboarding; the idea of dating anyone; and finally, going to court on the west side. *sigh*

BarBri's slogan had better be right: "Do it Once, Do it Right, and NEVER do it again!" Welcome to the summer that wasn't.

Procrastination

2006-05-10T23:27:00.000-07:00

I'm amusing myself with all of the random thoughts that pop into my mind while at the library. Anything is interesting when you're supposed to be focused on secured transactions.

For example, I was just noticing that I don't hold my pen "right." I do the bottom two, instead of bottom three, fingers method and I like it that way, damnit. (To hell with conformity!) Why did my third grade teacher care how the class held our pencils?!

Another thing is that SO was sitting here with me earlier searching for apartments in LA on Craig's List. Now I'm finding myself oddly wishing I had something to search for on Craig's List- which is something I never do. Maybe I'll try some preliminary searching to scope out housing/rental markets in areas where I might get a job...someday...I hope...

...Or I suppose I could just keep studying.

Brutal

2006-05-10T15:51:00.000-07:00

Damn, last night was brutal. I had refused to believe a closed-book exam could take 5 hours...but it did. Then I looked back over my outlines afterward and realized I had mixed up just about everything in my head. Sweet. I figure after spending an entire evening writing the maximum page limit, there is no way this guy could fail me. Hopefully. Now its down to the final push. (my friend said that phrase reminded her of childbirth...and you know, they might be kind of comparable.)

One highlight: I picked up my cap and gown today! It looks ridiculous of course. But it reminds me that the end is near. Freedom!!! They will never take it from me again.

Still so far away

2006-05-08T23:15:00.000-07:00

This is officially the worst I have ever been. EVER. As a procrastinator, that is. I have a final tomorrow and I'm not yet half-way through the materials. The thing is, I just can't make myself care anymore. In my mind I'm already done and out exploring the infinite abyss (yeah, I stole that from Garden State, but I really think its a beautiful concept).

I've tried holing up in my little apartment, going to H's house, hiding in corners of the various coffee shops on my street...nothing is working anymore. Life is distracting. And it doesn't help when, on the eve of a final, I suddenly feel the need to start up a blog.

Tomorrow I will force myself to enter the law library, where the air is thick with stress and the sounds of break-downs. I really hate it there. Its a beautiful building with windows overlooking the woods, but I can no longer stand the atmostphere or the people that frequent the place.

I'm just fighting to pass this class. I can't believe how good I used to be. Throughout the last two years I thought grades mattered. Now I just want to be able to take that walk, grab that degree and run. I seriously need to make myself start caring just a little or I am truly in danger. Two finals and four days to go...

Ugh. Sounds so close, but its still so far away. Screw it. I'm going to go take a shower.